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Tapping lessons from life’s keg

By Daily Bruin Staff

May 8, 1996 9:00 p.m.

Wednesday, May 8, 1996

You’d be amazed at what you can learn standing around

I was standing in line the other day. Not at Murphy (surprise, I
graduated), not at the bank (because I have no money), not at the
grocery store (because my roomie Dana is a checker at Vons, and
he’s the fastest checker on the West Coast, so there are no lines).
No, my line time was spent in a place which is much more important,
much more profound: the keg at a party.

I happened to overhear a comment by some guy who shall remain
nameless, because quite frankly, I don’t know his name. This next
statement is only for said "guy"; all others skip ahead: If you
feel your comment has been unrightfully stolen and used contrary to
drunken slur copyright laws, all I can say is you ought to know
better than to have loose lips around me; after all, loose lips
drink sips.

The comment that guy made which really intrigued me was
something like this: After all, it’s all about keg politics. I
think to quote him exactly he said, "After all, it’s all about keg
politics." It then suddenly occurred to me. (Well, I suppose
"suddenly" would be a little bit too bold a statement. After all, I
was at the point where I didn’t really have a firm grasp on which
senses are responsible for which actions.) "Look! You hear that?" I
saw myself saying, which is only legitimate if you’re a cartoon
character.

Anyway, what occurred to me is that you could learn a lot about
our society by observing people around the keg.

Many of you probably think that at this point, I’ve completely
lost it ­ you know, my bread’s not quite done, or my elevator
doesn’t go all the way to the top ­ I could go on but I’ll
spare you. Well, read on because I have a valid point here. (Valid
of course is defined as: true because I say so).

Also, you’ll have to cut me some slack. My editor said I wasn’t
allowed to write these the night before they’re due, after having a
six-pack. I decided to one-up her and write it the morning it was
due with a severe hangover. It’s one of those mornings when you’re
wishing the amount of sleep you had outweighed the amount of beers
you drank last night. For me, that’s a big negative, but I was able
to unplug my clock for a while to give myself a few extra hours of
sleep.

OK, boys and girls, are you ready to dive right in to Dr.
Degree-from-home-shopping-club Birkenstein’s Social Theory Uv
Drunkenness, or STUD? (Don’t concern yourself with the spelling of
"of"; I haven’t. Besides, sound it out. And it would otherwise
spell STOD; get a clue.)

I’ll begin with the fact that we still have a ways to go as a
society in order to achieve equality based on gender. Women, after
you’ve read that, you must think I’m wonderful for putting it in
print. Well hold on, I’m about to get insulting. Please understand
that I’m getting insulting partially because it’s true and
partially because I seem to have an inability to get people to
respond to my writing. Maybe if I ruffle some feathers I can get
someone to respond, and my editor won’t be forced to fire me; don’t
make me beg.

The insult is as follows: Half of the problem of gender
inequality is YOUR FAULT, WOMEN. YOU (sorry, I forgot to release
caps lock) want to be equal when it suits your purpose, but when it
is not so handy, you’d rather revert to 1850.

Brief Quiz. Have you ever: l) Asked a guy to kill a spider or
any member of the arachnid family (if arachnid is actually the
species name; I’m not really concerned with facts) because it was
sooooooo big? 2) Asked your boyfriend to pump the gas at the gas
station because it didn’t seem ladylike? 3) Used your "womanness"
to get in front of the line to the keg? 4) Bought a vowel and then
realized that you weren’t even on the Wheel of Fortune? If you
answered yes to one, two or three, then you’re guilty. Yes to four
just makes you stupid.

What I want you to do from now on ladies is say, "No, you 27
guys were here first, I’ll wait." Of course, this doesn’t consider
the fact that we guys wouldn’t stand for it taking so long for you
ladies to get drunk, but you didn’t hear that from me.

Power. We all know that it makes the world run. And of course we
all know that money is the way you get control of that power. Look
at Tori Spelling for instance. Do you think she would have gotten
the job if it wasn’t for Aaron? And what about Barney? The guy is a
vicious carnivore, and they let him play with small children in an
obvious (to me anyway) wolf in sheep’s clothing act. Barney must
have tossed around some serious dinosaur cash to get that cushy
gig.

So what does power have to do with standing around a keg? What
is the nickname for the guy (yes, it could be a girl as well, but
it usually isn’t) that’s holding the tap? Kegmaster, which
literally means, Kegmaster, which actually sounds like a cartoon
character from Saturday morning. Captain Bartender and Kegmaster
fight against the evil shenanigans of Sloppy Drunk Patron Man.

So the Kegmaster has control of the beer which gives him power.
Because at a party, the beer is the money. Is it a coincidence that
beer is the color of gold? I think not.

In our society, it’s really not what you know, it’s who you
know. Nothing could hit closer to home when dealing with keg
politics. Those who know the Kegmaster get quicker service and
easier access to their share of the gold. As we all know from life,
the next best thing to knowing the people in power is being able to
kiss up to them. Any who have needed "special" help from a TA to
pass a class know what I’m talking about. You can see this at the
party when you hear someone say "Hey dude, that’s a really bitchin’
nose ring you’re sportin’." Of course this obvious attempt at
flattery may not work, and you may have to try "Whoa buddy, you
sure can pour."

This sort of butt kissing has obvious real life applications.
How do you think I got into UCLA? I told Chuck that he had a really
radical tie and that he really knew how to … I’m not really sure
what the verb form of "to chancellor" is. Whatever it is, keep it
Up Chuck (yes that was on purpose). Can you get me into grad
school? I like your haircut.

Humans are very territorial creatures. We don’t go to the
extreme of peeing (unless we are really drunk) on our territory
like dogs, but we let everyone know what is ours. We put up fences
to keep people out of our homes, and we put up walls to keep people
out of our hearts.

Unfortunately, people still get into our homes once in a while,
and fortunately, the same goes for our hearts (inserted to gain
sensitive 90s guy status). You can see people exercising their
territorial behavior standing around a keg. Try and cut in line and
you’ll see it, for the few seconds you remain alive as your head is
torn from your body. Everybody is standing around the Kegmaster
pushing their cup into the center, like staking a mining claim.
See, back to gold, and nobody likes claim jumpers.

Learn this life lesson now! In only two simple steps. 1) Read
what I have written next. 2) Send me money. People will use you to
get all they can until you have no more to give and then they’ll
move on, in search of what they need elsewhere. Sounds cynical, I
know, but it often is true. I mean, look I just asked you for
money, and since you haven’t given me any I’m moving on to someone
who will.

How many times have we heard this conversation?

Party-goer number one: "What up? Is this party goin’ off?"

Party-goer number two: (too drunk to answer) "AARRGGGGHH."

Party-goer number three: "Naw dude, this shit’s bogus. The keg’s
dry. I hear there’s a party on Midvale with 10 kegs."

Party-goer number one: "Let’s check it out. What do you think
party-goer number two had for dinner? It sure is orange."

Human nature and society’s structures surround us all the time,
and we can learn lessons about life from the most unusual
situations. Of course, realizing that you’ve learned these lessons
doesn’t always come easy. It takes a special mix of circumstances
and some key ingredients. Ingredients ­ from the Australian
(I’m sick of Latin getting all the credit) word Ingrediantsmate,
meaning five beers, one gin and tonic and two shots of vodka, or
was it three, I don’t remember.

Birkenstein is a class of 1996 alumnus. You might be asking
yourself if his parents are proud of what he’s learned in college.
If so, you can ask them. They can be reached at
1-800-A-NEW-SON.

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