Yopu didn’t hear it from me, but…

Monday, April 22, 1996

Gossiping can only lead down a treacherous road of deception and
hurt

Accept it. Gossiping causes nothing but trouble. No matter how
many times I learn this lesson, I still contribute to the problem.
I tone it down or justify it, but until I completely stop talking
about people, I am going to keep going through experiences like
these:

I became really close with a fellow Bruin named "Lilly." She was
like my little sister. We would spend entire days together just
running errands and talking about this and that. Our family
backgrounds, relationships and career goals were very similar, and
we also shared similar values and ethics, which is why I was
devastated when she went on a lying spree.

When Lilly and this friend "Bill" began spending the night
together, I asked her what was going on. She said they were
watching movies, having all night conversations and reading poetry,
but that they were just friends. Like a dum-dum, I believed her
because she was so sweet and so pure (hence her alias Lilly).

Finally, Bill told me that they had sex a few times. When I
asked Lilly about it, she broke into melodrama and said, "I don’t
know why he’s saying these awful things about me … You know I
love (boyfriend’s name)!" Again, I believed her and actually
defended her failing reputation amid the mass of rumors.

Well, eventually she admitted that they were having an affair. I
was mortified by her ability to lie, damn near cry, in my face. I
couldn’t understand why she felt the need to lie to me if we were
such great friends. She apologized and tried to make up for causing
me to doubt Bill and look like a fool to the people I had defended
her against.

She said she understood that what she did was a horrible mistake
and that admitting it to me would mean she would have to admit it
to herself. I tried to understand and forgave her. I also told her
that I don’t condone cheating for men or my friends, but that I
needed to stop being so judgmental. I did, however, stress that it
would take me a while to regain trust because she lied to me. Well,
happy ending, right? No.

I had such a huge morsel of juicy gossip in my mouth that I just
had to open it. In a letter to a good friend, I wrote something to
this effect: "Lilly is a freak. She plays this innocent,
goody-two-shoes role. But in reality, she’s been *$#ing Bill right
under my nose. I don’t know who she is anymore. She might be crazy.
I do know I can’t trust her." Later, Lilly roams into my room one
day to use the phone and sees her name on a piece of paper. She
picks it up and reads all about what I really think about her.

When she confronted me with it, I couldn’t say anything. I
couldn’t say I didn’t mean it because I did. There was no way to
justify what I had done. I just apologized and told her that I
should have been more honest about my feelings with her instead of
with my friend. Lilly and I were never the same. Losing the
friendship doesn’t hurt that much because it was already broken,
but knowing how much pain I must have caused her makes me feel
extremely guilty.

I learned not to say anything about someone that I wouldn’t say
to that person’s face. Even if you learn a lesson, karma still
catches up with ya. Years later, I became the victim of a gossip
web.

One of my best friends ­ "Tina" ­ and I were talking
about graduation, about going on a trip she already had planned
with some associates and about throwing a party together. Our
conversation was good; I was excited about our plans. I told her to
call "Nina" and "Camille" to ask them if they wanted to throw a
party with us.

We hung up, and she called Nina. I picked up the phone to call
someone else and heard Tina and Nina talking. I was going to play a
joke and say something stupid when I realized we were still on the
line together, but I didn’t have time because I heard them talking
about me.

They talked about not wanting to throw a party because my
friends and I are exclusive and arrogant. That I had some nerve
bombarding them with my plans when I wasn’t even in on the
graduation festivities from the beginning. Tina complained that I
bullied her and she wished I wasn’t graduating.

I thought I was in the twilight zone. I could have sworn Tina
said she wanted to go on a trip alone, that she wanted to throw a
party, that she was happy I was graduating. I sat in shock with
teary eyes, wondering what to do. I called her and Nina, and told
them that I overheard their conversation and that I was surprised,
disgusted, but glad that I now know how they truly felt. They
defended themselves and said that it wasn’t as bad as I said.

Tina called me and gave me a lengthy explanation saying how
sorry she was. She very honestly admitted that she and Nina were
"talking shit" like they always do. Like my letter about Lilly, the
content was true but the sentiment greatly exaggerated. (She also
said that she was happy I’m graduating.) Tina said there are issues
in our friendship that she wanted to discuss. I told her that I
should have been the person she discussed those issues with in the
first place.

She knew there was nothing she could say to redeem herself, but
that she really valued our friendship and that she kicks herself
everyday for having such a big mouth. I told her I didn’t think we
could move forward because I didn’t trust her. She told me she
understood, but that she hopes that we can try.

See where gossiping gets you ­ either giving or getting a
broken heart.

This is dedicated to all of us to encourage us to keep our
mouths shut:

Watch What You Say!

In the course of your conversation each and every day,

Think twice, try to be careful of what you have to say;

Your remarks may be picked up by someone’s listening ear,

You may be surprised at what some people think they hear.

Things that you innocently say, or try to portray,

Can be changed, and greatly exaggerated along the way;

Many stories change for the worse as they are retold,

So try to keep any questionable remarks "on hold."

May I give all of you some very sound advice?

When you speak of others, say something nice;

Try to say good things, regardless of who is around,

If you have nothing good to say, don’t utter a sound.

You may find that an innocent remark, in the end,

May lose you a close and valued friend.

­ Henry Lesser

Robinson is a fourth-year Afro-American studies student. Her
column appears on alternate Tuesdays.