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Light from within

By Daily Bruin Staff

March 6, 1996 9:00 p.m.

Light from within

In the darkest moments, faith in God and in oneself will
illuminate the correct path

There comes a time in life when you need to know who you really
are. When you need to know who you are as an individual, apart from
the daily grind of civilized existence. There are times when,
simply speaking, words are not enough.

Those are the times when self-resolve and determination step to
the forefront. Those are the times when we are tested and tried.
Those are the times when friends and family turn their backs on us.
When seemingly insurmountable obstacles are hurled into our path.
When we stare disaster in the face. That is when it’s time to put
up or shut up. Do or die. Life or death. And those are the times
that create the true essence of man.

Dr. John Clarke said, "You will never know who you are in the
world until you know thyself." Knowing yourself is not walking down
an abstract path of self-discovery until an epiphany concerning
your existence knocks you upside the head. It isn’t "finding
yourself." For how will you know when you are found? Who’s to say
you were lost in the first place?

No. Knowing yourself is being able to stand firm throughout a
trial; the ability to be victorious. This is when the manifestation
of our best qualities becomes real. When we are able to last
through a terrible situation, led only by faith in God and a will
to make it, that’s when we truly come in contact with who we
are.

Of course, some of you are not understanding me right now. So
here’s an example. My speech teacher, Professor Miller, told me how
his son Cameron fell into a river a couple of weeks ago during one
of our recent storms. I listened in horror as he described how
Cameron, a junior-high-school kid, fell into a river moving at 45
miles per hour, and was swept along for two-and-a-half miles.

This young man had training in water survival, but never had he
been imprisoned by the wrath of an angry river. As he flowed with
the current, he knew that to survive, he had to grab onto a branch.
His friend that was with him tried to throw him branches, but
eventually he left Cameron alone. As Cameron tried to grab ahold of
flimsy branches and twigs, they soon began to break, and sure death
seemed imminent.

But this young man saw a big branch across the river on the
other side. And with all the will and determination he could
muster, he let himself sink to the bottom of the river, and he
pushed off the bottom. Having only made a little progress, he did
it again … and again … and again. And then, he hoisted himself
out of the raging river, reached for the branch with wiry, tired
arms, and lifted his spent, weary body from sure death which was
only 100 feet away, where the river went underground.

What does this say? Yes, it says that God was with him. Although
he now struggles with nightmares and various problems related to
his accident, that young man has seen a side of him he didn’t know
existed. And for the remainder of his life, he can rest in the
knowledge that he came to "know himself." He can have peace in
knowing that he didn’t succumb, but that he conquered, through his
self-will.

For most of us, we may not have to go through a life-threatening
situation. But we can still come to know ourselves. Although we may
not walk through the shadow of death, certainly we struggle with
other shadows that continually plague our lives. Shadows of
depression, shadows of defeat, discouragement, sadness … and the
list goes on.

In class, I had to do an impromptu speech on not fearing
shadows, because that only means that there is a light nearby!
Certainly this holds true. But this is true only when we diligently
search for that light, even when we feel like throwing in the
towel.

To use another example, I have a very close friend that was
molested as a child. From this molestation, his whole life was rife
with tears, struggle and disappointments. Although he is
heterosexual, he has sometimes been labeled as gay because he
relates to women better than he does to men. There were times when
he felt worthless … like trash. There were times when he almost
allowed himself to be totally consumed with guilt, all over an
incident that was no fault of his. As he lay awake at night, his
pillow soaked with tears, he wondered why this had to happen to
him. He wondered if his broken heart would ever be healed. Could he
ever be at peace with himself?

Maya Angelou said, "Nothing can dim the light which shines from
within." My close friend, a man who had been consumed with
seemingly infinite darkness, finally saw the light. He came to know
himself. He gave his heart to God, and he did the only thing he
could do. He prayed for inner healing; he sought to be made whole
after being broken. He prayed that he would be able to forgive the
man that did this heinous thing to him.

My friend became the light I’m talking about. He couldn’t see
the light that lay behind that menacing shadow, so he grabbed ahold
of that light from within. He reached way down in his soul and held
on to that flickering flame that had almost been suffocated by the
darkness surrounding his life.

And as he began to find love and peace in the Lord, he noticed a
change in his life. It was as if a surgeon reached inside his heart
and stitched up the wound, without ever breaking the skin. He came
to know himself. By emerging from this trial victorious, he now
knows of what he is truly made.

God has blessed each and every one of us as human beings with
special abilities and gifts. Some of us know what ours are, others
of us don’t. It doesn’t always have to be a talent, like playing
basketball or an instrument. It can be something like an ability to
get along with people, or a concern for the well-being of
others.

However, no matter what gifts or talents we may or may not
share, all of us have been blessed with a will. This is Maya’s
light. This is Dr. King’s dream. This will is why Harriet Tubman
was able to save so many slaves even though her life was at stake.
This will is why cancer patients can survive, like Michelle Carew
is doing right now. This will is why we see wheelchair athletes and
great artists like Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles. And it is through
our will that we can come to know ourselves.

I have a very special friend right now whose dad left her family
last year. Just up and left. And since then, she has struggled to
make sense of it all. Like my other close friend, tears have been
her constant companion, and heartache has been her best friend. But
even now, I see her beginning to know herself.

Already she has started to seek God. For how can we know
ourselves if we do not know our Creator? And already she has begun
to drive those shadows away. Like Cameron reaching for the branch,
she is reaching for peace. As Cameron pushed his frail body off the
river’s bottom, she is striving to conquer this obstacle that was
thrown in her way. I say to her, keep striving, for by conquering
this trial, you will come to know yourself more than you ever
have.

And as I think about Cameron, I wonder what he would’ve done if
that last branch broke. It reminds me of the story where a young
man was drowning. His father threw him a rope. But as the young man
began to pull on the rope, the fibers of the rope began to break.
He cried out, "Dad! The rope is breaking! I’m about to die!" His
dad yelled back, "Reach beyond the break, and hold on."
Undoubtedly, if the branch had broken, Cameron would have tried to
reach beyond the break to pull himself to safety.

Each of us has the power to know ourself. But even when we’re in
the midst of our problems, which are our shadows, and even when our
way out seems to fail, seek that light which burns from within.
Reach beyond the break, and hold on. Peace.

Howard is a fourth-year anthropology student.

Aaron HowardComments to [email protected]

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