Erecting Saber Truths

February 20, 1996’Star Wars’ innuendo reveal trilogy’s
underlying purpose

"Bart, Lisa, you tried really hard and you failed miserably. I
guess the lesson here is never try." — Homer J. Simpson

When I applied for a position as a Viewpoint columnist, I told
the editor I didn’t want to write about any pressing social issues.
I hoped to avoid the tediousness of day-to-day, grind topics, like
abortion, affirmative action and health care. I said to her,
"Lucía (because that’s her name), I only want to write about
what I find humorous – things that stimulate my funny bone – like
the buzzing metal edges of the Milton Bradley masterpiece,
Operation."

That policy has to come to an end this week. I can no longer sit
idly by, because there is a subject that has been causing me
considerable pain and anguish. The "Star Wars" trilogy is nothing
but a set of cheesy B-rated sex cult films. That’s right, you read
it correctly, cheesy B-rated sex cult films.

The "Star Wars" trilogy has corrupted my generation. I strongly
believe that Roger Corman, Roman Polanski and Sigmund Freud
conspired to make these films – and also assassinate Kennedy, cover
up Watergate and make unidentified compressed chicken parts popular
by calling them McNuggets.

Unless you are a complete moron, you can see that every
complication in the sexual problem arena is based on what we
learned from viewing the trilogy. We carry these burdens around
like a pickle game between our id and our ego, with our superego
running in the middle.

Many have begged me not to enter into this sort of depravity.
They have pleaded with me not to take the one thing they hold
sacred from childhood and pervert it into a Hustler comic
strip.

In my ongoing Freudian quest to turn everything into a sexual
innuendo, I felt I had little choice but to cross the line and
attack one of my childhood institutions. It was either "Star Wars"
or "Sesame Street." In the interest of space, I won’t be able to go
into why they call him Big Bird, or discuss the close relationship
that Bert and Ernie share.

Some of you nonbelievers (if anybody is actually still reading)
may demand proof at this point. You must be thinking to yourselves
(unless you are too busy dissecting owl pellets in biology class),
what could I possibly base these sick allegations on. My opinions
often flow from my lips with far too much ease, so not to worry;
you are about to be enlightened.

If you don’t agree with me after reading, I urge you to do one
thing: Watch the entire trilogy from start to finish (without a
break) while consuming large amounts of vanilla extract (40 percent
alcohol). It’s almost as damaging to the brain as watching both
"Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure" movies topped off with
"Beverly Hills Cop III."

Before I continue, however, let me clarify the quote at the
beginning of the column in case it is puzzling you. It has nothing
whatsoever to do with what is written here. It’s just that I’ve
seen other columnists and various writers start their work with a
meaningful quote. Not wanting to be left out of the classification
of "writer," I felt like I "needed" a "quote" of my very "own."
It’s fun to use quotation marks when they aren’t really
necessary.

Now, let me begin this study with a brief excuse – I was drunk.
Wait, wrong excuse. Many of the names from the movies are very hard
to spell, and my spell check (the only reason I’m in college,
except for my entrance essay about good dogs and bad dogs) doesn’t
possess that knowledge. If I spell certain names such as R2-D2 or
C-3PO incorrectly, please bear with me.

We’ll start with the obvious: Han Solo’s hyperdrive problem. The
guy always has problems "making the jump to light speed." He can
never get his hyperdrive to work, and he constantly claims that
it’s not his fault. Clearly, this is about the problem of
impotency.

One of Han’s first lines is "You’ve never heard of the
Millennium Falcon?" It is common among men to name their penises,
and Millennium Falcon is certainly a powerful name. He makes up for
what he feels to be an inadequacy with excessive machismo. Case in
point: Princess Leia says, "I love you." Han Solo replies, "I
know."

In order to validate his manhood and look "cool" in front of the
guys (Darth Vader, Boba Fett and Lando Calrissian), he feels a need
to snub the princess. She likes him because he is a "scoundrel."
Just like real life; women like the jerks.

Size doesn’t matter. We’ve all heard that, right guys? We like
to cling to that myth in hopes that it’s true – especially those
who are not hung like a Rancor. The men responsible for the making
of the trilogy were very reliant on this hope. Yoda is the perfect
example of "It’s not the light saber, it’s the Jedi." He is the
most powerful Jedi in the galaxy and look at him: He is small.

Tall, dark and handsome. Well, most women will settle for two
out of three. When you look up Darth Vader in the dictionary (the
Imperial, not the Rebel edition), tall and dark is pretty much what
it says. My friend, Belinda, (name kept the same to embarrass the
innocent) swears that Darth Vader is the sexiest icon in the
history of pop culture except for Paul Ruebens. Darth (yes, we’re
on a first name basis) is a constant heavy breather, and I’ll bet
he doesn’t wear any underwear under that suit – talk about
sexy.

Imagine this. You’re at a singles bar, you’re looking for a
little action, but you’re a feeling a little shy tonight. Normally,
you have a few more beers to combat that, but then you remember
that you possess the power of the old Jedi mind trick. I’ll bet
Obiwan Kenobi and Anikan Skywalker used to get lucky every night in
the bars of Mos Eisley.

Obiwan: "You would like to have a drink with me and my
friend."

Two Tontan females (beet goggles): "We would like to have a
drink with you and your friend."

Obiwan: "You will come home with us tonight."

Tontans: "Agghegdty Aghhet uuaus ajsdjaeyu7E+MC."(Get serious,
we all know Tontans are beasts, so they can’t really speak.)

I already alluded to the fact that light sabers represent the
penis. As Luke nears manhood, he takes his saber into hand and
becomes quite adept with it. A saber, I might add, of which Uncle
Owen (Luke’s guardian) does not want Luke to gain usage. When Luke
finally becomes a master with his saber, his father cuts off his
hand. This is an attempt to keep his son from discovering the joys
of masturbation.

Incest. Another controversial sex topic that is addressed in the
movie. Luke and Leia have a relationship before they know that they
are brother and sister. Sounds like a "Geraldo" episode to me. They
never actually show anything, but the movie was rated PG. I’m sure
if the movie was NC-17, we would have seen what really happened,
but we only got a few kisses and steamy glances. Princess Leia is
also messing around with Han Solo at the time – love triangle
(which probably deserves its own paragraph, but I just don’t feel
like working for it).

The force. What they are talking about here is lust or passion.
Obiwan describes it as "what gives a Jedi his power – an energy
field created by all living things; it surrounds us, penetrates
us." Sound familiar to any one? I heard my neighbor experiencing
the force with his girlfriend four times last night and once in the
morning – we have thin walls.

My suspicions on this topic were confirmed beyond a shadow of a
doubt while sitting on campus chatting with my amigo (from Spanish
class), Sam. I was discussing with him what a mac daddy he was,
when a neighbor of his approached. During the conversation, his
neighbor commented on how Sam had been playing "Star Wars" music
really loudly the previous night. Easy logic: Sam, the ladies’ man,
listening to "Star Wars" music is scientific proof that my theory
is valid – it was mood music.

I feel, at this point, I’ve sufficiently perverted what used to
seem like a completely innocent set of movies. Life is too short to
only see things the way they were intended. Try every once in a
while to look on the obscure side of things; it makes life better.
Wait, that sounded like some sort of preaching social message. It
wasn’t. What I really meant was, may the force be with you, if you
catch my meaning.

Birkenstein, a sixth-year geography/environmental studies
student, doesn’t let his longevity in school get him down, because
in reality, he already obtained his degree a long time ago in a
galaxy far, far away.

Brian Birkenstein

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© 1996 ASUCLA Communications Board

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