Adding cheese to the menu, ABC can’t compete with NBC’s lineup

Adding cheese to the menu, ABC can’t compete with NBC’s
lineup

By Lynn Elber

The Associated Press

Quiet, please, to better hear the sound of ABC scraping the
bottom of the barrel.

”Before They Were Stars” is what the network has scooped out.
It is the TV equivalent of fake fat Olestra — ersatz entertainment
lacking any nutritional value. And beware the potential gassy side
effects.

The new Thursday series is a mishmash of film, TV and commercial
clips of celebrities in their formative years. Scott Baio hosts,
trying hard to avoid looking like he’d rather be anywhere else,
even playing Chachi again on ”Happy Days.”

Dramas like ”Charlie Grace” couldn’t cut it against NBC’s
killer Thursday night lineup. Movies didn’t work either, a
discouraged ABC found. Hey, let’s try a cheap vaudeville clip show
and see if that brings ’em in!

And what special treats do we have for our chumps, ummm,
audience?

See toddler Drew Barrymore in a commercial. Wasn’t she cute as
the dickens, even with her blouse on? See John Goodman in a 1984
car dealership ad. Wasn’t he skinny?

See Jim Carrey doing an impersonation of singer Tom Jones in a
1983 comedy club appearance. Gosh, wasn’t he just as manic
then?

Now Baio is inviting us to ”check in with the star of the hit
ABC series ‘Family Matters,’ ” Reginald VelJohnson. A game
VelJohnson recounts his credits and then shares a clip from that
former ABC hit, ”227.”

Oh, look, there’s another ABC star, Tony Danza, graciously
introducing a clip of his own first TV role in 1978’s ”Fast Lane
Blues.”

Hey, and Danza just happens to be a proud papa of ”Before They
Were Stars” as one of its executive producers. Ain’t
self-promotion grand? Or maybe Danza had to jump in because ABC
couldn’t strong-arm other network celebs into duty.

Perhaps you watched the hour-long ”Before They Were Stars”
special last November. You’d imagine enough people did to make ABC
think we wanted this on the menu every week, not just as a one-time
snack.

But the special came in 69th out of 108 programs, well behind
CBS’ ”Touched by an Angel” (No. 27) — but, it must be admitted,
ahead of NBC’s ”The John Larroquette Show” and ”Home
Court.”

Perhaps that, then, fanned the spark of hope in ABC’s breast.
Along with the lesser production cost of a show like this versus a
sitcom or drama.

Whatever money was spent isn’t on the screen. Linking the clips
together are cheesy theme graphics, a nice complement to the
cheesy-looking set backing Baio. But let’s be fair: The graphics
and the set strike notes of originality, the sole ones in ”Before
They Were Stars.”

And that, at bottom, is what is so crass about the enterprise,
so cynical: It lacks an ounce of creative life. The commercial
breaks brim with more artistry; even companion show ”World’s
Funniest Videos” boasts at least a touch of real-life flair.

The ”Before They Were Stars” credo: Take old clips, any old
clips, and cram them together. This isn’t ”That’s Entertainment!”
— Part I, II or even III — so if the work represents the
forgettable worst of a young actor, hey, don’t sweat it.

You don’t imagine the producers care if this stuff was ever
watchable, do you? It’s just another cheapjack way of mining the
public’s apparently endless fascination with any aspect of
Hollywood.

The series certainly is not violent. It’s not lewd. So ABC,
technically, could count this as family fare, a safe helping of
pabulum for all.

But remember, at the end of ”Before They Were Stars,” you will
have lost a half-hour of your life to learn that Michelle Pfeiffer
was always pretty and John Goodman wasn’t always fat.

You can’t have it back. But you can make sure they don’t steal
another 30 minutes next week.Comments to
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