Americans keep on ryding in the free world

Americans keep on ryding in the free world

Rock and roll realm of tight jeans, Farrah hair merits academic
report

Whether they are called "hessians," "rockers," "dirtbags" or
whatever, ryders, as they have been recently dubbed by scholars,
represent one of the most fascinating, understudied (and as some
would argue) endangered, subcultures of American society.

The long-standing scorn for the ryder has, however, recently
come under scrutiny. In response to an increasingly large body of
work devoted to the objective study of ryder culture, an
international conference on the subject, spearheaded by Doug
Wheatjeans, a USC anthropologist, and the renegade Danish scholar,
Pippi Longsausage, will be held on this campus sometime in the near
future. The organizers have generously provided The Bruin with a
tentative agenda for the three-day seminar.

FRIDAY

An Introduction to the Semiotics of Ryder Culture:

Speakers have been asked to start at ground zero by crudely
schematizing secondary modeling systems for the benefit of their
sheltered collegiate audience. The following crucial emblematics
will be discussed:

* "I’m With Stupid: Fashion That Screams ‘I Rock.’" In order to
study the ryder, we must be able to recognize him or her in the
field. A hands-on approach with visual aids will familiarize
audience members with critical texts, such as "Joke" jerseys, half,
muscle and fringe-shirts, halter and tube tops, painter hats and
designer jeans with comb holsters.

Tonsorial topics range from the feathered "Farrah" hairdo to the
bi-level and "neckwarmer," and its recent appropriation by the
country music and lesbian communities. This will move us into
controversial gender issues, such as genital mutilation among
adolescent girls due to excruciatingly tight designer jeans. Animal
rights specialists will answer any questions concerning the
long-term effects of denim abuse and the imminent extinction of the
Southwestern humpbacked denim on local ecosystems.

* "Land of the Firebird: Automobiles That Scream ‘Iroc.’" As
with the redneck and his gun, the ryder’s preferred object of
self-definition is usually his ride. Audience members will get to
know firsthand what it is to build the muscle car of one’s dreams
from the ground up.

Various Dougs and Randys will lecture on the importance of such
key concepts as "12-bolt posi," "poppin’ trannies," Holley carbs,
nitrus systems and a kick-ass stereo. Advantages and disadvantages
of bondo, primer-gray touch ups and having multiple "parts cars"
lying around one’s front yard will be debated. An optional field
trip involves turfing the lawns of various local authority figures.
(Alternative hipsters and pop culture students should note that
attendance of this portion of the seminar will count toward
fulfillment of the new university kitsch requirement.)

(Break for lunch: Nachos and Big Gulps provided for a donation
of $1.99)

* "Rockin’ Ricky Ryder: The Ryder as Artiste." The methodology
of ryder studies would still be quite primitive if not for the
pioneering ethnographic research of Wheatjeans and Longsausage. In
this segment, the authors share from their experiences living among
ryder tribes in Seattle, Sacramento and here in Hollywood.
Longsausage tells of his stint in the heavy metal group, Rukkus,
and of life "on the road" with bandmates Russell, Ronnie and
Larz.

Meanwhile, Wheatjeans will focus exclusively on the oral poetry
of the original Rikky Ryder (in the modified "rock" orthography),
whom he came to know while on a Fulbright Scholarship working at a
Hollywood guitar shop. With over 50,000 hours of recorded data,
Wheatjeans expounds his theory of intertextuality in the
comparative "Grammar of Guitar Solos," which makes use of
groundbreaking phonological studies of various ryder dialects.
Those wishing to stay until evening may go on the seminar-sponsored
gallery walk and view airbrushed paintings of wizards, masterpieces
of beer ad photography (foreign and domestic), and the works of
Salvador Dali.

SATURDAY

Regional and International Ryderdom

An international group of contributors poses the tough question:
Is there a common language for the world’s ryders? Topics for
discussion include:

* "Holly Would If Holly Could: The Decline of L.A. as Cultural
Center." At the height of the Reagan administration, every ryder’s
fantasy was to move to Los Angeles with only his "axe" to carve a
name for himself in the cutthroat music industry. Hot pink
limousines with built-in jacuzzis cruised city streets bearing the
lords of rock. Huge, teased hairstyles were their crowns, and
emaciated models and porn stars their queens. While some still
cling to the dream, there has, in this decade, been a significant
shift in rock values, and local culture has undoubtedly
suffered.

Following the "grunge" explosion, many ryders emigrated to
Seattle, shedding their tight leather pants and cheap cologne for
torn-up flannels and designer dirt. Others have opted for still
more "alternative" climes, with the result that the true L.A. ryder
has become somewhat of an anachronism. An optional colloquium, "Van
Halen: Old or New?" will be held in Hollywood’s Viper Room,
featuring lecturers from the militant organization, F.Y.S.H. (F***
You Sammy Hagar).

(Break for lunch: Marlboro Reds and Big Gulps provided for a
donation of $1.99)

* "Keep on Rockin’ in the Third World." Where have all the faded
Ozzy tour jerseys gone? Do they cover the backs of filthy Tijuana
waifs? Of course; but where else? Have wealthy Japanese investors
been secretly stockpiling America’s treasury of muscle cars (i.e.
those not already destroyed during filming of "Dukes of Hazzard"
and the "Smokey and the Bandit" sequels)?

Ryder culture of such developing nations as Mexico, the
Philippines and Canada will be examined against the backdrop of
former colonial powers Germany and Great Britain. Special interest
discussions include: "From Wagner to the Scorpions: A Century of
Teutonic Heavy Metal" and the utter failure of the French
government, after investing billions of francs, to produce one band
that really rocks.

SUNDAY

The Contemporary Crisis of American Ryderdom

The fragile world of the American ryder faces new threats both
from within and without. The conference will conclude by looking at
some of the most imminent dangers, and by proposing solutions to
curb already irreparable losses.

* "Underground is Where They Bury You: The Alternative Assault."
Since mainstream rock oxymoronically became "alternative" a few
years back, even such hot tub and haircut standbys as Motley Crue
began to trim their manes and talk about how "real" they were back
in the day. A new band cannot even compete unless it brings to the
table recycled "punk" notions of "integrity" and street
credibility.

While it is commonly held that Kurt Cobain took art as far as it
could go by eating a shotgun in 1994, many feel that he was only
acting in a tradition already established by dozens of awkward and
underdeveloped Ozzy Osbourne and Judas Priest fans. Rhonda
Rippleman will read from her new book "Courtney Love Bone: Raising
and Nurturing the Crackbaby Messiah."

(Break for farewell dinner: Bacon-burger-pizza-tacos and
Mickey’s Big Mouths provided for a donation of $1.99)

Please attend this important conference if you can. Special
thanks to the group of suburban Seattle and Detroit thinkers who
made it all possible. Rock on.

Colbath is a graduate student in Russian literature.

Christopher Colbath

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