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Wake up or pack up for presidential elections

Comedic political parade calls for action from votersBy Michael
Reardon

Daily Bruin Columnist

So, do you have your bags packed yet? After all, it’s a new
year, and

we’re just inches away from the new millennium, and you know
what that

means, don’t you? Well, for those of you that didn’t interpret
your Bible

correctly, it means the end is near, and He is on His way to
save some and

massacre the rest based on the sins of their fathers (mothers
don’t count

because all they did was give birth).

That means that for those of you who ate your Wheaties, never
looked at

your privates and prayed for death to all heathens, your pass
has been

stamped and the train will be coming along in just a moment.
‘Course, no

one seems to know if it’s Eastern or Pacific Standard Time. But
what the

hell, after 2,000 years, He’s bound to be a little late in any
time

zone.

For those who haven’t decided to follow that path, WAKE UP! Open
the

windows and air out the room quickly. Sure, it’s cold outside,
but it’s

either that, or stay cramped with that stench of past political
seasons

clinging to the drapes, just stinging those nostrils. Recently,
the state

of American politics has been like rooting for either the
baseball players

or the owners when they decided to cancel the World Series:
Either way,

watered-down beer was still five bucks a cup when the games
finally came

back, and both sides remained millionaires.

In the past, we’ve elected people who couldn’t spell, people
with

memories the length of an orgasm, and pot-smoking,
draft-dodging, deadbeat

dads. (Sorry, Newt, but someone was bound to tell, and how’s
that ethics

committee working out?)

And now we’ve become so cynical about our own state of politics,
as

usual, that we’ve iconisized Kennedy and Nixon as heroes for how
leaders

function (though Kennedy gets credit for being with the sexiest
woman in

the world, and Nixon for the best nickname – "Tricky Dick").

Oh sure, some of you are saying that they persevered where
others would

have failed, but come on, stop being nostalgic about these two
losers and

start cleaning up the household of glass that you brought the
bull into,

because the maid was laid off and welfare has made sure that
she’s not

coming back.

The problem, of course, is that the many we had to choose from
are

already dwindling down, and it doesn’t look good out there. For
the

Democrats on the presidential level, there’s Clinton. That’s it.
No one

else has decided that Bubba should be challenged. So that means
that the

candidate who defines Clinton as someone who raised taxes too
much, gave us

Roger (which pardons Carter for Billy) and redefined the word
"lucky"

(skill does not make someone $100,000 in one year on a $1,000
investment),

has no competition.

But who knows, maybe he’s not such a bad guy. So Clinton smoked
pot –

big deal. So did everyone else in the ’60s. At least he hasn’t
puked in a

prime minister’s lap. I mean, c’mon, George, how much trouble is
it to turn

your head the other way? Yet Clinton isn’t necessarily the best
choice,

unless you like the idea of someone who looks like they just
crashed the

frat party asking, "Where’s the keg?" to be your national

representative.

And then there are the Republicans, who have become the best
premiere

comedy team since the Keystone Cops left the silver screen. We
have

Buchanan going toe to toe with Graham as the true leader of
the

conservative revolution.

But Buchanan has his nose so far up the intestinal tract of
the

religious right that he can’t utter a word without Pat

"I’m-worth-$700-million-of-tax-free-religious-fortitude"
Robertson’s stroke

of approval.

Graham, though a great politician and possibly even a greater
economist,

believes that funding for AIDS should be discontinued because
it’s being

passed around by gays, chimps, drug pushers, Batman, Robin and
those lazy

(insert your ethnic preference here).

There are a whole slew of others in the pack, but to be honest,
no one

cares, which leaves the Pineapple Man to stand alone. Dole is
probably the

most intriguing character to come along in quite some time. It
takes balls

to stand up for your beliefs, especially if you haven’t had a
belief of

your own throughout your entire political career.

This is the same guy who, on one hand, will stand up against
violence in

Hollywood (which is not such a bad thing, since none of us could
get over

that scary Reese’s Pieces incident in E.T.), and on the other
hand,

approves of killing 10,000 extra people a year (that’s raising
the speed

limit, for those without their political translation
guidebook).

So, you might want to turn to the other party that little
Hitler, er …

I mean, H.R. Puffinstuff, um … that Ross Perot formed. I don’t
know the

name of it, and neither does most of America, but I’m sure that
once he

puts his public relations people on the case, and spends a few
million of

his hard-earned dollars (financed in part from the 25,000 people
he laid

off), we’ll have the 800 number and matching placard programmed
into our

memory, right there next to the QVC Home Shopping Discount Card
and the

local Dominoes.

What’s the moral of the story? Well, maybe it’s time we remove
those

pathetic chips we placed on our shoulders and go out and do
something about

it. It doesn’t take much to lift a pen for five minutes or even
to dial a

phone number (for something other than a pizza). And maybe it’s
about time

that we did. However, I kind of enjoy the comedy that the
current

presidential parade has brought in, though it’s nothing compared
to

Congress.Reardon is a third-year philosophy student,
husband/son/brother and

father of one. He sport climbs and doesn’t sleep. His column
appears on

alternate Mondays.