New arrival promises to change Uncle Petey’s life

New arrival promises to change Uncle Petey’s life

Every now and then a moment comes along in your life that makes
you pause. That moment came last Thursday, the day I became an
uncle.

At 11:11 p.m. (and 32 seconds) a little bundle of joy entered
this world by the name of Michael Hamilton Arato. And this is no
boast; Michael is the best-looking baby I’ve ever seen! I’m glad to
see him taking after his uncle so soon.

Of course, I was completely unprepared for my new role as an
uncle. I had never thought about what being an uncle entailed until
I was standing outside the delivery room. As I waited, my mind
wandered. I started thinking about the fact that this was the same
hospital where my mother gave birth to my sister and me. This was
where my life began.

I guess it was no coincidence that a few moments later I felt my
mother’s presence in the chair beside me. No, my mother was not
dressed all in white, nor did she have a halo.

I just felt her presence.

So, with my mother’s support, I did my best impersonation of an
uncle. From my position in the doorway I gave my sister, Lynn, all
the love I could muster through the scrim that was giving her
privacy. Every now and then I would remind her that I was still
standing out there, supporting her. Between the breathing and the
contractions, both Lynn and Alex (my brother-in-law) would thank
me.

Then the magic occurred. Michael entered the room and I got to
hear his first words. They were something like, "Waaah. Waaaah."
For all you people who don’t understand baby language, let me
translate. Michael said, "You had nine months to plan for my
arrival and all I get is a towel and a wrist band?!"

But I must confess, that translation is about as far as my baby
knowledge goes. Actually, to imply that I know anything about
babies, birthing or bassinets would be a falsehood. If called upon
to tell the truth of my ineptitude, I would simply recite the line
of the housemaid in Gone With the Wind: "I don’t know nothin’ ’bout
babies."

I fully admit to my limits. I am but a man. I do my best to hunt
game, make fire, grunt repeatedly and beat off predators. But when
it comes to baby-making I am as useful as tits on a bull.

But I will put aside my inherent uselessness and confront my
duties head on. I, Peter Hamilton, hereby proclaim to the world my
ascension to the throne and dutifully anoint myself Uncle
Petey.

Why all the pomp and circumstance? The Hamilton family has an
important tradition to uphold. You see, when my father was 8 years
old his mother died of a brain hemorrhage while his father was
overseas serving as a Colonel in the Marine Corps. It was my dad’s
Great Uncle Alfred who took care of him. Then, when Colonel
Hamilton was captured by the Japanese army and subsequently died in
an internment camp, it was Great Uncle Alfred who became my
father’s sole guardian.

If it were not for my great uncle’s efforts, I doubt I would be
here today.

That is why I am going to try my very best to be a good uncle to
young Michael. I know there will be many days where he will look to
me for tutelage. And I want to be ready to answer his questions.
That is why I have prepared a TOP 10 THINGS PETER WANTS TO TEACH
MICHAEL:

1. Uncle Petey knows all.

2. Monsters don’t exist.

3. Television is a waste.

4. Girls are silly.

5. Respect truth, not age.

6. Take lots of photos.

7. Timidity is laughable.

8. Latch on to a dream.

9. Resist much, obey little.

10. Fly.

Of course, if I do a good job at being an uncle, one day I might
graduate to being a parent. I realize that day is a long way off,
but hey, it’s like in fourth grade when I was practice-kissing my
pillow. I didn’t use that knowledge until six years later, but it
was there when I needed it.

But then again, I could be wrong. My sister Lynn practiced her
parenting skills on me (she’s seven and a half years older than
me). Her attempts were specious at best. What types of things did
Lynn try to teach me?

Well, here is a list of the TOP 10 THINGS LYNN TRIED TO TEACH
PETER:

1. If you write on your skin with ink you will turn into a pile
of dried bones by morning.

2. If you play with a Ouija board you are selling your soul to
the devil.

3. If you accidentally swallow toothpaste there is a good chance
you will die.

4. If you spin your arm around you have to spin it back the
exact same number of times or else it will get stuck.

5. If you drink old milk you will prematurely age.

6. If you swallow pool water your skin will turn blue.

7. If you hold your breath, close your eyes and spin in a circle
for a minute, you will go back in time.

8. If you like reading Nancy Drew books instead of Hardy Boys
mysteries, that means you’re gay.

9. If you fall asleep with your eyes open you will die.

10. If you jump as high as you can off a diving board and land
in the water feet first, with your legs spread as wide as possible,
it feels neat.

Don’t let that list fool you; Lynn is a great sister. And I want
to be a great uncle to her son. Just give me five minutes alone
with him.

Until next time, remember that knowledge is a spectre, wealth is
a ruse and beauty is ephemeral. All that matters is a new child
fresh from the hands of God.

Hamilton, a graduate art student, cordially invites you to his
art opening at the Kerckhoff Art Gallery tonight from 5 p.m. to 8
p.m. Two words describe it best: catered food.