Deciding to come out: a soul-searching perspective

Deciding to come out: a soul-searching perspective

By Phil Duncan

There are as many different reasons for gay and lesbian people
to be open about their sexuality as there are gays and lesbians.
Coming out is a very personal decision which often involves a great
deal of soul searching. For many, it is an extremely difficult act.
Numerous reasons can make staying closeted seem more desirable than
coming out: fear of rejection, apprehension about one’s career,
even concern for personal safety.

Why, then, do people decide to make their sexual orientations
public? While I cannot answer for the myriad of other gay and
lesbian people, I can try to explain why being "out" has become a
fundamental part of my life.

Part of being open about one’s sexual orientation clearly
involves self-esteem. Obviously, people can’t have self-esteem if
they relegate themselves to perpetual second-class citizenship and
let fear control their actions. I truly believe that it is
society’s expectations that are in the wrong, not my feelings.

I challenge everyone reading this article to take a very long
look at what a relationship means to them. What is it that is
important? Why do you fall in love? I think that you might find
that love really isn’t necessarily about procreation or societal
norms. It’s about emotions and desires, the need for comfort and
support and the desire to give.

Don’t assume that my feelings are less real than your own. The
ability to fall in love is one of the most cherished gifts each of
us has been given. It seems incredibly foolish to quibble over the
race, religion or gender of those we fall in love with. At this
point in my life, I refuse to feel shame for something that is so
special to me and brings so much meaning to my life.

Another part of being open about one’s orientation is honesty.
Keeping one’s sexual orientation private requires active deception.
People ask questions about what I did over the weekend, who I went
to a movie with … if I’m dating someone. To remain closeted I
would have to willfully lie. I can no longer accept being dishonest
with people merely to avoid offending their sensibilities.

Beyond merely avoiding dishonesty, it is important to me to
share my life with the people I care for. Everyone needs friends
and support; gay and lesbian people are no exception. When I broke
up with my boyfriend earlier this year, I needed the support of my
friends and family, and I genuinely believe that they wanted to
give support. It would be unfair to everyone involved if I refused
to trust people enough to let them into my life.

Part of being open is about education. Unfortunately, the
perceptions of gays and lesbians that many people have come from
distorted views presented by the media, or more recently from the
blatant misinformation spread by religious right political
campaigns. By being open in our lives, gay and lesbian people show
that we truly are the same as everyone else.

The bottom line is that I’m not a threat to civilization,
religious establishments or the institution of the family. I’m
merely your slightly-shy, somewhat boring average person who
eventually wants a spouse, adopted kids, a house and a dog. I hope
that most reasonable people, when confronted with the reality of
openly gay friends and co-workers, will recognize the anti-gay
campaign rhetoric for what it really is ­ simply an attack on
an easy target in order to obtain contributions and votes.

Finally, and probably most importantly, I am "out" because I am
committed to making sure that future generations of gay and lesbian
youth don’t have to go through the pain and suffering that I did
growing up closeted in a homophobic society. It is clear to me that
a great deal of harm is being done to gay youth because of a lack
of role models and a profound misunderstanding on the part of
society.

I believe I had a relatively easy time growing up compared to
many gay youths, but I still suffered a great deal because of the
clear messages from society that a part of me was fundamentally
wrong. The suicide rate among gay teenagers is more than three
times higher than others in the same age group. I have come to a
point in my life where I find being closeted is unconscionable. I
cannot help but conclude that by hiding my own sexuality, I was
contributing to the suffering and even death of many people. Each
person who knows me personally as a gay man will hopefully find it
a little bit harder to dismiss gay people as less deserving of
respect, love or civil rights.

I once met a gay teenager who was telling the story of being
kicked out of his house when his family discovered he was gay. His
father’s parting words were, "I hope you get AIDS and die." These
words often haunt my thoughts and eat away at my sense of humanity.
If shouting to the world that I am GAY will help stop this from
ever happening again, I will gladly shout as loud as possible.

Duncan is a research engineer in the department of electrical
engineering.